Feeling Frustrated

So I'm sitting here in my usual place at naptime, THANK GOD, and feeling frustrated at my life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a Mommy. I love being a wife, daughter, grand-daughter, sister, sister-in-law....you get the picture. But I feel so empty right now. This year has been a trying year for me. Learning about my failures, my weaknesses, my triumphs as a mother and wife. But I have lost me. I know this happens for thousands if not millions of women who quit their jobs or even don't quit, become mothers and that becomes their lives. I realize now as I'm looking back on my 29 years before baby that I got my self-worth from my husband, my family, and my teaching. I relished in the fact that parents wanted ME to teach their kids and if they didn't get me they were disappointed. They would go to the director and demand their kid be in my class. What a HUGE vote of confidence and loyalty. WOW. I realize I got my self-worth from that. Now that I am not teaching, and not having parents flock to me, I feel that I have lost who I am. I am not sure where to find me these days. I know I'm a good Mom, I try really hard. And I'm a good cook...I just made homemade whole wheat bread for my family last week (3 loaves) and I was really proud of that. I'm not always a good wife, but honestly I'm not too worried about that. :) But I've lost the Catrina who I knew. I don't know where she is or how to find her or really how to reinvent her. So I'm struggling today with myself. I don't have many friends, some of my choosing, some of other's choosing. I have a few who demand so much from me that I feel sucked dry. Add to that being a full-time Mommy and wife of a man who I am struggling with finding stuff in common with right now, and I feel emotionally and physically drained! I am not sure how to get out of this, how to emerge from it. I feel the need to get out, get around people, but our money is tight and I KNOW if I go somewhere like Target, I will spend money. :) I am just feeling down and lost right now. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my son and husband. I LOVE the fact that I am able to stay home and provide my son with a loving home where he can play, sleep and just be in his own home. I am not complaining, or meaning to, about that. I am VERY fortunate. I'm just feeling lost and drained and wishing I knew how to snap out of it.

Maddux is doing good. Almost 13 months old. I can't believe it. He is pulling up on EVERYTHING these days and climbing on everything as well. We call him our little monkey cause seriously that's what he is. :) Life as a whole is good.

Catrina

Comments

C and K said…
Us too! Joshua is our little monkey. Catrina, I want you to know I COMPLETELY understand. I felt like I was reading my diary when I read your blog. Call me if you want to talk, you are not alone, and your feeling are important. Having a baby changes EVERYTHING and its okay to look at those changes and see changes in yourself. I love you and miss you. We need to set up a girl date-you come here, or I come there-soon. xoxo
Kate
October 2, 2009 at 8:17 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Moment of Glory

There have been a few times in my 32 years that I have had shall we say a "moment of glory". The range from probably junior high through the birth of my son. Each one special in it's own right and those brief moments of glory have changed my life and made me the woman I am today in their each unique way. I had yet another "moment of glory" this past weekend that will forever change my life. I got an email from my friend Gina McMurtrey about 3 months ago. She said that she had seen on facebook how I was running and was I interested in running a half marathon with her in St Louis in October. Well unknown to her one of my dreams that for a very long time I thought was unattainable was to run a full marathon. But I had always been heavy (since I got married) and thought there is no way a fat girl like me can run 26.2 miles. When she asked me run half of a marathon, 13.1 miles, the thought once again popped into my head, I can't run that far, I barely can run ...
Read more

Couponing

Ok so most of you who know me know that I am obssessed with coupons and finding good deals for my family. I'm still learning, "the game" but I think I am progressing nicely. It's all about finding the good deals then the coupons that go with it, then making your dinners around those. Which is proving very hard. If any of you have advice, good healthy recipes, or just tricks let me know. I am out to save my family the most amount of money possible. It's the one thing (besides raise our son) that I feel I can contribute. Anyway, there is a new contest going on with my friends blog: iheartcoupons.blogspot.com that cellfire (a place where you can add extra coupons to your Dillons card) is giving away $100 grocery gift card and one of the things you have to do is blog about so guess what? I'm blogging about it. :) I'm also adding her button to my page. Seriously though if you are in the Springfield area you should check out her page. I have known this sweet lad...
Read more

My baby is 2!

So today (the 28th) my "baby" turned 2.....where did the time go? Could he REALLY be the same age of some of the kiddos I used to teach??? Sigh.... What a wonderful 2 years though. I have grown so much. I never realized how selfish I was (and still am..I'm a work in progress) until I had him. I never understood what it meant to WANT to die for someon...I do now!!! He brings so much joy to Andy and I's life. The things he says, the little quirky things he does, the different parts of Andy and I that come out every once in awhile, it's all been a joyeous ride. I'm sad that he is 2.... I am now a parent of a toddler, GAG. :) But I plan on enjoying each moment of his second year. Each season of his life I will enjoy, or force myself to enjoy if I have to. What a wonderful gift you are my son. I can't wait to see what God does with your life. I am proud to be your Mom, I am proud to call you my firstborn and my son. No matter where life takes you or where life ...
Read more