Heart

So I'm sitting here in my warm, dry, and for the moment quiet living room on the 13th of January and I am beyond blessed. How often I take this house, my car, my son, my husband, my clothes, my shower, my water, my food, my everything for granted. As news from Haiti starts to come in I feel a loss that has nothing to do with the tragedies not that far from home. I feel a loss for that which should break my heart on a daily basis and doesn't. Let me explain. My heart physically hurts as I hear stories and see pictures of the destruction in Haiti, but more for the suffering people are going through. Those who has lost children, parents, friends, family members. And I feel compelled to do something, ANYTHING, to help. To ease their suffering. As I watch on CNN (because everyone else has moved on) the images of broken families, homes, and lives I am torn into small pieces at the pain people are going through as I sit in my warm, dry and for the moment quiet living room. But shouldn't I feel this about the small stuff too? Shouldn't my heart break for the house fires, for the robberies, for the hurts that affect my friends? Where is my heart in that?? I am SO willing to drop everything and run to a place that is not my home, but why do I not do that here? That frustrates me!!! I LOVE living in this modern world. I love the conviences that life offers by living in the United States. But I also get tired of it as well. I get tired of the commercialism, the always wanting more, the constant media telling me and everyone out there that they aren't good enough. I get tired of the pettiness in the church, of the gossip that runs rampent there. Yes I know, this happens everywhere, we are all humans. But does that excuse my lack of empathy? No. I use these excuses as a crutch so often. Not wanting to get hurt by gossip or petty words, not wanting to be content with what I have, not being confident of myself as a mother and a wife. When did this change for me? Was I always this self absorbed that I didn't care about the needs of others, especially those closest to me? I search my heart for the answers. Am I feeling this great empathy right now for attention? Some might believe that, but as I honestly sit here I realize that no I don't want the attention, I want some understanding and people stepping up and saying they want a purer more empathetic heart too. I want REALNESS and openness. I am sick and tired of not being compassionate on an everyday basis. I'm tired of caring what others think of my soft nature. I want my heart to break with that which breaks God's heart. Ultimately He created this mess called Catrina. He put a piece of His heart inside me and that is where my soft nature comes from, why should I be embarrassed or have to defend it? Shouldn't I relish it? Shouldn't I be proud and live it out because it's His desire for me?

I get on this subject because I grew irriated at facebook today. I was watching CNN and posting about the destruction and I notice only a few people have posted anything on their status' about praying for those in Haiti. And I wanted to scream, DONT YOU KNOW PEOPLE ARE DYING??? DO YOU REALLY JUST CARE ABOUT YOURSELF?? But then I had to stop and study myself and see how guilty I am of that on an everyday basis. Do I want to end up being calloused, or do I want to have a heart like God? I choose a heart like God!! I choose to say Ok world, this is my heart. Take it or leave it, this is me.

I don't know if this rambling makes any sense to anyone but me but I needed to write it down. I needed to take a stand and say NO MORE!! I know I will be selfish probably everyday, I realize that also. But I want my heart to cry and physically hurt for my friends, my family, my community, my country as well as those in other countries. I don't want to become "American". I want to become a Christian!!!