Brightness

This week has been a bit ruff for many of my friends from high school, including myself. One of my sister's classmates was killed in a car accident on Saturday, she was 29 years old. We know we aren't amune to death it always hits us like a punch in the gut, especially this close to Christmas. But I appreciate death for this reason, it reminds me to not let one day go by without telling those I love that I love them and appreciate them. It also reminds me that I don't hold the reigns to my life, my creator does. So it's been a tuff week with trying to get a handle on emotions and trying to remind myself that for now my family is ok and together and I just keep praying that NEVER ends!! :) Maddux is almost 16 months now and that seems crazy to me. He is a ball of energy. He is not walking yet, can walk with our fingers but chooses not to do it by himself. :) He is sure stubborn, just like his parents. :) Great. :) He loves to play, read books and find out what and how th...

So it's official, I HAVE A BOY. :) Now I have always known, of course, that I had produced a boy (with some help from Andy of course) but until this past month I hadn't realized how much of a boy I had. My boy has always displayed certain boy traits, such as a boob fetish. He wasn't breastfed and yet he loves to poke and giggle at my boobs should he ever see them accidently. But recently my boy has began to cruise. And while cruising he has decided, hmmm..... I LOVE to climb. And so he does. ON EVERYTHING. Last week Andy was letting him crawl in our kitchen and by the window and Maddux decided that he would pull up on our child sized picnic table. As parents we whoops and hollar and give abundant praise, until he decides that pulling up isn't all that great. He wants ON TOP of the picnic table. So he proceeds to pull with all his might and climbs, his first time trying, to the top of the picnic table. My husband cheers with support while I begin to feel whoozy and real...

So I'm sitting here in my usual place at naptime, THANK GOD, and feeling frustrated at my life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a Mommy. I love being a wife, daughter, grand-daughter, sister, sister-in-law....you get the picture. But I feel so empty right now. This year has been a trying year for me. Learning about my failures, my weaknesses, my triumphs as a mother and wife. But I have lost me. I know this happens for thousands if not millions of women who quit their jobs or even don't quit, become mothers and that becomes their lives. I realize now as I'm looking back on my 29 years before baby that I got my self-worth from my husband, my family, and my teaching. I relished in the fact that parents wanted ME to teach their kids and if they didn't get me they were disappointed. They would go to the director and demand their kid be in my class. What a HUGE vote of confidence and loyalty. WOW. I realize I got my self-worth from that. Now that I am not teac...

So today, the 28th, at 8:14 a.m. my son turned 1 year old. It was just yesterday, at least it seemed like it, that I was in the waiting/holding area waiting to be taken into the operating room for my c-section. I remember how nervous, no terrified I was about the unknown. About the surgery, about becoming a mother, about the little person that I was bringing into this world. Looking back I laugh a little at my fears. I had every right to be nervouse about the surgery and about what kind of mother I would be but not about the little person who would forever change my world. What a blessing that day has been to me!!! As a teacher I thought I knew what being a parent would be like. I became so close to many of my students that sometimes they felt like mine. But until you hold your own child, the person that is half you, in your arms you are clueless about what it means to be a parent or what it means to love!! I was SO shocked that I could love someone so much more than anything else in l...

So for those of you who don't know my Grandma passed away on the 21st of July at 3:38 am in the morning, on my 8 year wedding anniversary. She passed away at home surrounded by some of my family. So Andy and I loaded Maddux up again and headed out to Indiana on Wednesday the 22 nd . The funeral was the 23rd and we stayed until the 25 th then headed home. It was an emotionally draining/physically draining week. Maddux is VERY intune with others feelings and he was off kilter all the time we were there. I don't know if he could tell people were upset or what but he didn't sleep hardly at all and wanted only to be a Daddy's boy. :( I'm not sure what to write about this situation. I'm not good at sharing such deep feelings. I am beyond sad because it was my Grandma, angry of the way my extended family is handling it, and yet at peace cause I know she's not hurting anymore. So we are trying to just make it day to day at this moment and remembering good memori...

So the beginning of July began with us taking a much needed and important trip to Indiana to visit my Grandparents . My Grandmother is VERY ill and wanted to meet her Great-Grandson Maddux , so Andy and I decided we should take the time and money and go see them. We were originally suppose to leave on Thursday but got news that she was not doing well so we hurry up and packed and left late Wednesday night. We hightailed it to Effingham , Illinois and spent the night there then drove the rest of the way the following day. On the way up Maddux did great! Time in Indiana was a true blessing!!! My grandparents live on a farm and life is just so different on a farm. Time is made for family, not TV or computers. We went outside and played catch with my cousin and didn't think about the time. And let me tell you, we were bushed everynight but felt very much at peace up there. There is something relaxing/Holy/refreshing about farm land. My Grandma SO enjoyed Maddux and he loved them. H...

So this past week has been a true week of trials. Last Wednesday we got news that my Grandma from Indiana (my Mom's mom) who has been fighting leg melanoma has stage 4 melanoma in her lung. Which pretty much means it's terminal. They can't operate or do chemo not that I think she would do either. She is SICK of hospitals and doctors after undergoing something like 13 surgeries in 7 months. So Andy and I went into planning mode, my best way to handle news like this. When could we go to Indiana, how, and how much would it cost? All those questions. Our biggest question how would Maddux do on the 10 hour drive? We went to St Louis a few weeks ago and that about did him in. So we are dealing with that. I believe we are going to try to make the trip over 4 th of July. Andy has time off already so it would make the most sense to go then.... there are still a lot of questions though so we are STILL trying to figure it all out. Our biggest trial/blessing came yesterday, Monday th...